You must be laughing at the swings in my mind in terms of wanting and not wanting to run Singapore. Well, right now the breeze is blowing in the direction of Singapore! After a series of "fast" 5km runs, I was really charged up enough to attempt a "Correct and Redirect" approach last night - have come up with a re-hashed plan to tacke Singapore. I still don't know if I can make it in terms of preparedness, but now feel I should just show up at the starting line and let things happen. This is what my runs were like the last few days...
Tuesday, 21st Oct - 6.1km - Chennai - waddled on
Saturday, 25th Oct - 5 km - Chennai - in 27 min
Sunday, 26th Oct - 5 km - Coimbatore - in 26.5 min
Tuesday, 29th Oct - 5 km - Coimbatore - in 26 min, PB
Today... Thu, 30th Oct - 12.6 km - Chennai
I am thinking now, that I have about 5 weeks more of training for Singapore, may be I should taper up rather than taper down my runs! Just turn the strategy around and bingo, I may make it comfortably!
The weather was glorious today morning. Not so my running.. it was an effort to keep my mind focussed on finishing the distance of 12.6km - the effort was 99% mental. On the return leg I caught the ubeaut sunrise at Elliot's Beach. I started reflecting how life has changed for me, from being an absolute nocturnal animal to this early morning person. That's the influence of running with Chennai Runners, solely.
Anyway, there was a time when my house mates during my college days used to wake me up to force me see what a sunrise was like. I had always seen and used to love photographing sunsets, not sunrises! I was thinking it would be nice to see more sunsets too now (and sun rises), this means finishing work soon and leaving the office soon enough to catch it! I am so stuck with late hours at work that I never see sunsets. Something to keep thinking about....
Signing off, on the lighter side, Jill sent me this email today...
Subject: Finish What You Start
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around
my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage
of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of
the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Brooding.. To Singapore or Not?
I said this to Senthil last night in response to his question, how my training was for Singapore:
For my dreams about running marathons I need money
For money I need to work
If no work, no money, no running marathons (overseas).
In fact I am about 86% on track with my training plan for Singapore, and another 6 weeks to go. Still time to catch up and finish the marathon strongly. But my work demands are so much now that I am pretty close to jettisoning my plans to run in Singapore. Just the thought of being free from the bondage to a training plan seems to be liberating. This week at work is a classic example, Wed night I was at work till nearly 1 AM, the next morning my plan was to run 13km... but I slept in, no time to make up in the evening. I seem to be more against running in Singapore this year than for. Looks like I am close to the decision but don't want to confront it yet.
Right now my priority is work. I have to deliver this project I am responsible for, and it needs my time and energy big time.
On another note. I always say, "if you want something badly, you've got to make time for it". Here is something I came across from the archives:
A young man asked Socrates the secret to success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with him toward the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue. Socrates pulled his head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to gasp and take a deep breath of air. Socrates asked, 'What did you want the most when you were there?" The boy replied, "Air." Socrates said, "That is the secret to success. When you want success as badly as you wanted the air, then you will get it." There is no other secret.
Adios for now.
For my dreams about running marathons I need money
For money I need to work
If no work, no money, no running marathons (overseas).
In fact I am about 86% on track with my training plan for Singapore, and another 6 weeks to go. Still time to catch up and finish the marathon strongly. But my work demands are so much now that I am pretty close to jettisoning my plans to run in Singapore. Just the thought of being free from the bondage to a training plan seems to be liberating. This week at work is a classic example, Wed night I was at work till nearly 1 AM, the next morning my plan was to run 13km... but I slept in, no time to make up in the evening. I seem to be more against running in Singapore this year than for. Looks like I am close to the decision but don't want to confront it yet.
Right now my priority is work. I have to deliver this project I am responsible for, and it needs my time and energy big time.
On another note. I always say, "if you want something badly, you've got to make time for it". Here is something I came across from the archives:
A young man asked Socrates the secret to success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with him toward the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue. Socrates pulled his head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to gasp and take a deep breath of air. Socrates asked, 'What did you want the most when you were there?" The boy replied, "Air." Socrates said, "That is the secret to success. When you want success as badly as you wanted the air, then you will get it." There is no other secret.
Adios for now.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Breaking the Jinx, Battling the Monkeys
Finally the string of jinxed weekend long runs is broken!! I did 30k yesterday at ECR No. 8 with Chennai Runners, in 3:40. Weather was not all that fantastic, no rain but it was humid and hot as the sun came up. The runs leading up to the Sunday run were like this:
Tuesday: 8.5k
Wednesday: 5.6k
Thursday: 15.6k
But from Friday afternoon I started getting shin pain in my right leg and it persisted. I got onto a pain killer and anti-inflamatory from Fri night, skipped Friday evening run and continued taking the pill till Sat night. The shin pain was still there but only a niggle by Sunday morning.
The run started OK, my system was warming up fine. Then it started... the monkeys were out in full flow. Do I really need to run Singapore? Do I really need to run this 35k now? Why not just quit Singapore, get into a 5 runs/week with gym work and save valuable time for work related stuff?? And on and on and on. Crossed 5k. No sign of the shin pain. Crossed 7.5k still OK. Crossed 10k, the monkeys were still there. I told myself I had to go all the way to the 17.5k turn around point then decide what to do. By the time I crossed 15k and turned around at 17.5, I started feeling that I had caught some second wind. Then running against the head wind, my mind played games again and I had to force myself to think - half marathon first, 25k next, 30k next and then I would not care as I would have touched the psychological number of 30k. That's what I ended up doing.
Was pretty busted by 30k, started to take more walking breaks. In fact, after the half marathon point (2:23) I was mostly doing run/walks. Lost interest after 28k or so. It would have taken me the best part of an hour to finish the last 5k, so gave up and went to the finishing line by car!
A big plus from the run is that I have settled in well with the Asics Nimbus X. No blisters!! After a very long time I have had a long run with no blisters on my feet.
As I key this in, my thoughts are mixed. I may pull off Singapore after all. Everything depends on my training over the next 2 weeks. I am going to be 40, in about an hour and a half!!!!! Wow. I don't feel that I am 40. More like 25. Plenty of reflecting to do and plenty of stock taking to be done. For now I am happy that I am staying fit and in an elite crowd that can run the way I do at this age!
Cheers!!
Tuesday: 8.5k
Wednesday: 5.6k
Thursday: 15.6k
But from Friday afternoon I started getting shin pain in my right leg and it persisted. I got onto a pain killer and anti-inflamatory from Fri night, skipped Friday evening run and continued taking the pill till Sat night. The shin pain was still there but only a niggle by Sunday morning.
The run started OK, my system was warming up fine. Then it started... the monkeys were out in full flow. Do I really need to run Singapore? Do I really need to run this 35k now? Why not just quit Singapore, get into a 5 runs/week with gym work and save valuable time for work related stuff?? And on and on and on. Crossed 5k. No sign of the shin pain. Crossed 7.5k still OK. Crossed 10k, the monkeys were still there. I told myself I had to go all the way to the 17.5k turn around point then decide what to do. By the time I crossed 15k and turned around at 17.5, I started feeling that I had caught some second wind. Then running against the head wind, my mind played games again and I had to force myself to think - half marathon first, 25k next, 30k next and then I would not care as I would have touched the psychological number of 30k. That's what I ended up doing.
Was pretty busted by 30k, started to take more walking breaks. In fact, after the half marathon point (2:23) I was mostly doing run/walks. Lost interest after 28k or so. It would have taken me the best part of an hour to finish the last 5k, so gave up and went to the finishing line by car!
A big plus from the run is that I have settled in well with the Asics Nimbus X. No blisters!! After a very long time I have had a long run with no blisters on my feet.
As I key this in, my thoughts are mixed. I may pull off Singapore after all. Everything depends on my training over the next 2 weeks. I am going to be 40, in about an hour and a half!!!!! Wow. I don't feel that I am 40. More like 25. Plenty of reflecting to do and plenty of stock taking to be done. For now I am happy that I am staying fit and in an elite crowd that can run the way I do at this age!
Cheers!!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Arrggh... Jinxed Long Runs
I had a great record for the week, heading into my Sunday long run (21k). I had done 14.5k in 1:35 on Thursday and another 5k on Friday, both in Kakinada. I was on a high on Sunday moring. I had warmed up nicely, stretched and felt that 21k was already a done deal.
As I started my run, it was crazy - it was as if I was running against some heavy wind, and was struggling. It went on and on, and I thought it will change after the first couple of kms. No. So after 5km, I stopped and stretched. Started again and it was no different. Then it started raining, pouring, in fact. Felt great to run in the rain, but I just could find the propulsion in my legs. Heart rate was fine. Gave up, went home after 11k. Serious reflections on why this happened. May be it was the late nights on Thu & Fri. Long days, plenty of booze, little sleep (4 hrs each night?). Though I managed to get some rest on Saturday it was a disastrous Sunday run.
The feeling is miserable because I have had series of long runs on Sundays that I have either under performed or not started as I was sick, travelling or something else... this is the 4th weekend in a row that I have had a jinxed Sunday run.
The monkeys were out having a ball all through my run yesterday, and forcing me to give up on Singapore. it's a battle. But as I key this entry in (Monday night) I am keen to claw my way back and get on top of the schedule in the remaining days to come....
As I started my run, it was crazy - it was as if I was running against some heavy wind, and was struggling. It went on and on, and I thought it will change after the first couple of kms. No. So after 5km, I stopped and stretched. Started again and it was no different. Then it started raining, pouring, in fact. Felt great to run in the rain, but I just could find the propulsion in my legs. Heart rate was fine. Gave up, went home after 11k. Serious reflections on why this happened. May be it was the late nights on Thu & Fri. Long days, plenty of booze, little sleep (4 hrs each night?). Though I managed to get some rest on Saturday it was a disastrous Sunday run.
The feeling is miserable because I have had series of long runs on Sundays that I have either under performed or not started as I was sick, travelling or something else... this is the 4th weekend in a row that I have had a jinxed Sunday run.
The monkeys were out having a ball all through my run yesterday, and forcing me to give up on Singapore. it's a battle. But as I key this entry in (Monday night) I am keen to claw my way back and get on top of the schedule in the remaining days to come....
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Work-life balance
This is what went through my mind during my run this morning. I don't think there is such a thing... life is a series of trade offs. One needs to make choices. I used to be a seeker of a balanced life style, this never happened and I doubt if it will. What is more important is that I choose between various options - involving work and life - and be happy with the choices I make.
At present I am at a stage with my work where it is very tempting to jettison my plans for the Singapore Marathon and just focus on work. Its easy to just stick to a 4 to 5 days of running / week regime with random distances from 5 to 8k thrown in, and not train for the marathon - which takes time, requires planning and slotting in to my increasingly hectic schedule. But I have chosen to stick to the training plan, as much as I can. It's not the easy road, but that is what is going to make me happy - doing both my project and the marathon - its not an either or but an and situation! I may have to sacrifice my goal of a sub 5hr finish, but the first thing that matters is finishing, then finishing strong and then finishing in sub 5 hrs.
I did an 8k yesterday, nice easy run, felt really good. Was worried I may not wake up in time, but managed to get out at 6:15. But this morning is a different story, it was a restless night, I did not sleep well. May be I am still jet lagged. May be there are too many work related issues on my mind. May be I am stressing beyond my threshold. It was tempting to sleep for an hour or two longer in the early hours of the morning as I seemed to have become sufficiently tired to sleep by then... but decided to chuck the monkey and got out of the house at 5:15, went for a 6k run, joined my running buddies from Chennai Runners enroute. It was an easy run from the start, meaning I took about 40 min for this run, instead of 36 min. Quantity first, I say to myself. Quality next. So, I am thinking, tomorrow's LSD in Kakinada should be a "stay on my feet for 1.5 hrs" rather than 12k.
In closing, I want to share an exerpt of an article titled "CORRECT AND REDIRECT Starting out without starting over" by John Bingham, thanks to Rajesh who forwarded this yesterday (how topical!!)...
"I can't even count the number of times I've gotten deep into a marathon-training program, only to have life intervene. I'd have to skip a long run. Then I'd miss a speed workout. Finally, I'd need to take a few more days off for one reason or another.
In the old days, I'd push through--just carry on with the program no matter what. And as often as not, I'd end up injured and discouraged. Now, I correct and redirect. I don't just ignore the missed days. I openly acknowledge the fact that my running doesn't always control my life. Sometimes, my life controls my running."
As Bingham says, Waddle On, Friends!!
At present I am at a stage with my work where it is very tempting to jettison my plans for the Singapore Marathon and just focus on work. Its easy to just stick to a 4 to 5 days of running / week regime with random distances from 5 to 8k thrown in, and not train for the marathon - which takes time, requires planning and slotting in to my increasingly hectic schedule. But I have chosen to stick to the training plan, as much as I can. It's not the easy road, but that is what is going to make me happy - doing both my project and the marathon - its not an either or but an and situation! I may have to sacrifice my goal of a sub 5hr finish, but the first thing that matters is finishing, then finishing strong and then finishing in sub 5 hrs.
I did an 8k yesterday, nice easy run, felt really good. Was worried I may not wake up in time, but managed to get out at 6:15. But this morning is a different story, it was a restless night, I did not sleep well. May be I am still jet lagged. May be there are too many work related issues on my mind. May be I am stressing beyond my threshold. It was tempting to sleep for an hour or two longer in the early hours of the morning as I seemed to have become sufficiently tired to sleep by then... but decided to chuck the monkey and got out of the house at 5:15, went for a 6k run, joined my running buddies from Chennai Runners enroute. It was an easy run from the start, meaning I took about 40 min for this run, instead of 36 min. Quantity first, I say to myself. Quality next. So, I am thinking, tomorrow's LSD in Kakinada should be a "stay on my feet for 1.5 hrs" rather than 12k.
In closing, I want to share an exerpt of an article titled "CORRECT AND REDIRECT Starting out without starting over" by John Bingham, thanks to Rajesh who forwarded this yesterday (how topical!!)...
"I can't even count the number of times I've gotten deep into a marathon-training program, only to have life intervene. I'd have to skip a long run. Then I'd miss a speed workout. Finally, I'd need to take a few more days off for one reason or another.
In the old days, I'd push through--just carry on with the program no matter what. And as often as not, I'd end up injured and discouraged. Now, I correct and redirect. I don't just ignore the missed days. I openly acknowledge the fact that my running doesn't always control my life. Sometimes, my life controls my running."
As Bingham says, Waddle On, Friends!!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Clock is Ticking
My mileage has been pretty low over the past 3 weeks and the 35 km run that I have planned for the ECR is only 2 weeks away!!! And I have lots of travel in between with 2 Sundays in a row away from home... these thoughts were predominant in my mind as I hit the treadmill at Cannons Gym in Nobury, a London suburb. I did a 10k in 1 hr, happy with this as I have not been running frequently. I will have to significantly ramp up mileage over the next few days, the plan is:
Tuesday, 7th Oct - Chennai, 8k
Wednesday, 8th - Chennai, 5k
Thursday, 9th - Kakinada, 12k
Sunday, 12th - Kakinada, 21k
Tuesday,14th - Chennai, 8k
Thursday, 16th - Chennai, 15k
Friday, 17th - Chennai, 8k
Sunday, 19th - ECR Run, 35k
Lets see how it goes. Am settling into the new Asics Nimbus 10 well. Bad weather - rain, wind and cold weather are not a good combo! For once I am looking forward to running in Chennai where I can still run even if it rains or if its windy!
Tuesday, 7th Oct - Chennai, 8k
Wednesday, 8th - Chennai, 5k
Thursday, 9th - Kakinada, 12k
Sunday, 12th - Kakinada, 21k
Tuesday,14th - Chennai, 8k
Thursday, 16th - Chennai, 15k
Friday, 17th - Chennai, 8k
Sunday, 19th - ECR Run, 35k
Lets see how it goes. Am settling into the new Asics Nimbus 10 well. Bad weather - rain, wind and cold weather are not a good combo! For once I am looking forward to running in Chennai where I can still run even if it rains or if its windy!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Playing catch up
I have been meaning to update my blog but work and travel have kept me away from this... but not from running. I finished running 16 days in September, less than expected but I was sick for a few days and travelling towards the end of the month so no go. Not tracking well with my prep for Singapore, but am confident that I will make up. Am planning a 35 km run during the forthcoming 8th ECR Run of Chennai Runners on 19th Octber....
Since my last entry, some of the highlights have been the Chennai Half Marathon on 31st Aug, about which I have a section at the end of this entry...
I had hit some pretty good form post the Chennai Marathon and was really enjoying my runs and building up the miles. Pacing myself comfortably and doing a 5k in 26 min too in one of the runs. In the middle of Sept I caught a cold and that really did me in - have missed a couple of long runs, started and stopped after some distance as the body was just not able to cope. Am slowly building up the miles now.
Have also had problems with my feet, the blisters are back and badly. One of my toe nails has fallen off, and I am done with my current collection of shoes. I wonder if I have to buy a half size larger or shoes with a wider toe box. For now, I have decided to stick to Asics, and as I type this, am wearing a brand new Asics Nimbus 10... thanks to Murthy and Priya for the birthday presents (they got me 2 pairs!!). Am about to step out for a 5k run in London. Am mad keen to do a 21k run here on Saturday... lets hope the weather holds up.
Oh, I have also read 2 books on running in the last 5 weeks.
Must read: The Barefoot Runner by Paul Rambali (about Abebe Bikila - unputdownable)
Optional: What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami (you can skip this one I did not get much out of it)
More writing later, hopefully, for now here is the short story on
The Chennai Half Mara"torn"
Since my last entry, some of the highlights have been the Chennai Half Marathon on 31st Aug, about which I have a section at the end of this entry...
I had hit some pretty good form post the Chennai Marathon and was really enjoying my runs and building up the miles. Pacing myself comfortably and doing a 5k in 26 min too in one of the runs. In the middle of Sept I caught a cold and that really did me in - have missed a couple of long runs, started and stopped after some distance as the body was just not able to cope. Am slowly building up the miles now.
Have also had problems with my feet, the blisters are back and badly. One of my toe nails has fallen off, and I am done with my current collection of shoes. I wonder if I have to buy a half size larger or shoes with a wider toe box. For now, I have decided to stick to Asics, and as I type this, am wearing a brand new Asics Nimbus 10... thanks to Murthy and Priya for the birthday presents (they got me 2 pairs!!). Am about to step out for a 5k run in London. Am mad keen to do a 21k run here on Saturday... lets hope the weather holds up.
Oh, I have also read 2 books on running in the last 5 weeks.
Must read: The Barefoot Runner by Paul Rambali (about Abebe Bikila - unputdownable)
Optional: What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami (you can skip this one I did not get much out of it)
More writing later, hopefully, for now here is the short story on
The Chennai Half Mara"torn"
Pic shows me (No. 2734) and my buddies from Chennai Runners at the starting point..
It was a gruelling event in hot, humid weather... the event wa s a huge crowd puller... apparently some 160,000 people participated in various events. One person died, more than 30 ended up in the hospital.... here are my recollections from the run:
I made it to the "finish" in 2:23, I think Ram was ~6 min and Shahid ~3 min ahead of me. My Garmin said something like 20.55 km.
After about 18km I lost interest - till then I had not walked. After that I started walking as I knew I would finish in <2:30.
The top two accounts of the Chennai Marathon were from Monappa and Sandy.. I have reproduced them below... do read them, worth it!!!
Monappa:
I participated in the Chennai (half )Marathon 10 days ago..there was major publicity prior to the event...posters all over the city with endorsements from local celebrity sportspersons ( Vijay Amritraj,Kris Srikanth, Jyothsana chinapa,etc)..radio and press ads.. However on the day ..none of them were present at venue..we had to wait at start line for the sports minister (M.S Gill) to turn up to inaugrate the event..he turned up 30 min late..(as usual)...the compere/announcer at the starting line was doing his best to keep the restive participants in check with announcements on the P.A system..." Ayyo Mister..why are yuu krassing the line?..vat is the yuse ? u have to run full 21.09km anyways...pleese go back."!
Once the race started ..loudspeakers at regular intervals on the course blared out the marathon anthem with heavy bass beats..."YYoo Chennaaii Marathon.. ... .."..I noticed runners with IPODs fidgeting with their earpieces..trying to block the noise and then giving up...!
The sky was overcast with a light drizzle...which made the initial phase comfortable..but as the course bordered the beach right through..it began to warm up soon..
I paced myself to the staccato beats of the Chennai marathon anthem with "tunnel vision focus" to maximise my running efficiency..however I lost a stride when a lungi clad barefoot middle aged gentleman overtook me and went ahead saying" ayyo ayyo rumba rumba urgent..".. Suddenly the guy veered of the course into an adjoing vacant plot and went about with his morning abolutions..thats when I realised that he wasnt a runner..but a resident of one of the shanties adjoining the course...and the shortest distance between his resident and the (public ) latrine was a portion of the Chennai marathon official route..!.
My new Saucony running shoes--->$70
Quick wicking Russels running vest---->$20
Adidas fuel belt filled with Glucon D----->$25
Number of candy bars pilfered from my 3 yr old son to "fortify" my energy diet---->4
Expression on my face as this guy went about his "£$%^%" stuff---------> PRICELESS .. .
The organisation of the course was well planned with water stations at the regular intervals and "physio" stations manned by trainee physiotherapists from a local college.. Not surprisingly the stations manned by the lady physios were crowded with "injured "young runners.. while the stations manned by the guys had only flies ..... the "TLC" clearly was in more demand than the Iodex sprays..!
2 hours into the run with Chennai sun shining with all its might..my mind was beginning to create a world of its own..I imagined a giant chilled limca bottle awaiting me at the finish line....the finsh line..where was that damned thing..the more I ran/jogged/hobbled/crawled..the longer it seemd to take..
Tiger passed by at the 17km mark....I thought.."hes experienced ..I should give way.."
Ram passed by at the 19km mark.. I thought.."hes experienced ..I should give way.."
Narayan passed by at 20.5km mark...I thought.."hes experienced ..I should give way.."
Finally 2hrs and 20 min from the start line...I finished the race..exhausted, dehydrated and tanned like a cherry blossom tin The organisers in their infinite wisdom had located the finish 4km short of the parking lot..! so finally after covering 21km+4km..after a full 3.5 hrs in the sun ..I was finally done with it all..
Chennai Marathon..lots of sun..some fun on the run..a little fiction! Enjoy!
Sandy:
Here’s a small note on my experience with the Chennai Marathon:- I went to bed Saturday night looking forward to the 7k Chennai Marathon absolutely pumped up.
I slept very well despite the anxiety. I woke at 0600 hrs ready to hit the start line. And then I did a minor calculation. I had to drive 4 -5 km to the parking lot. Walk probably a km or two to the start line. Jostle with 1000s (At that point I didn’t know it would be lakhs) of runners, non-runners, organisers, celebrities, various dogs and some sheep while waiting for the chief guest to arrive. Run 7Km dodging school children who sprint out 30m and then walk hand in hand like in the old MGR movies. And finally get to the finish line which over a period of time starts to resemble a refugee camp with people sprawled all over the place amidst the battle debris of plastic water packets, crushed aquafina bottles, various little pieces of ice, general puddles of water and various podiums with no one around. (all seen during the last Chennai run in feb this year) Oh and of course drive back another 4-5 km to get home.
Decided I would instead run my own 7k and ran it in my head while I slept another 1.5 hours.
And I have lived happily ever after.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Run when Chennai Sleeps, Sleep when Chennai runs.
Thanks Monappa & Sandy - for "cut pasting" your entries without permission!
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